My newest attempt at "blogging"

Not sure which will prevail...

Labels - as long as they're removable.

So, where did 2011 go?

I spent the duration of 2011 in it’s entirety avoiding labels in my life. I don’t know where my resistance to categorising things stems from but I seem to resist confining tags throughout my life. I’m the girl who gets asked “Is that your boyfriend” and says “No” because I haven’t allowed that conversation to happen. The most recent occurrence of this was asked by the male himself. Needless to say, heartache and awkward semi-formal conversations followed and now, even if I were to give the answer which was originally desired, I have every faith in said male, that he would politely decline my advances.

I can’t even label my aversion to labels in this situation as commitmaphobia. I crave commitment. Or so I think.

Does magic determine success?

I got him back. That one I told you about. We're giving it another go. Seven years on, two entirely different people to those who said goodbye so long ago. We're trying. I see in him something I've not seen in the eyes of another since we left. I feel with him a connection completely unrivalled. And yet, this time around, I'm not convinced the magic's there.

When I see you

When I see you greet one of your friends, any one of them, the way we used to, jealousy completely consumes my being. Because for that one moment, that one person has you, a friend, in their embrace. And they don'tt appreciate that I am seeing my entire world in their arms.

What is closure anyway?

Just back from a long weekend away from my hometown. What was supposed to be a fun filled few days of gossiping with the old uni friends, turned into a somewhat fun including few days littered with headwrecking moments leaving me overall, rather penseive.

He was there. I knew he would be. They were just as much his uni friends as they are mine. But it doesn't make seeing him any easier. I thought I was over him. I am over him. I'm ok without him. Until I see him. Because when I'm with him, all the work of the past months, all the strength I've fought to build, it all seems like nothing. And when I see him, maybe I still love him. Maybe when I see him I still love him and i still need him and I still miss him more than anything I could ever find the words to come close to describing.

Getting over getting over you... not so easy

New Years Eve said goodbye to the mistakes and heartbreaks of last year but looking back at that night, started 2010 with one big regret. I didn't know him, I still don't really. I met him at a bus stop as we were leaving the club. He made me laugh and I called him names. An instant connection of course. We IM'd for weeks, every night. At our best we would talk for 8 hours straight. Our sense of humour mirrored each others. I feel like I know him, I like him for him. He liked me for me. I took it too slowly. It faded. We don't talk so much these days. It's a shame.

Every time I hit another dead end I think back to him. The one I thought for so long was "the one". He's gone. I sometimes think I should knock on his door out of the blue, throw my arms around him, tell him I love him, I've always loved him and he'll wipe away the single tear falling down my cheek and tell me he's missed me and realises he can't live without me...
I won't do that. Because for the little part of me that knows I could love him again, the rest of me is remembering how difficult it was to get to where I am now. I'm over the devastation of losing him. I've come out of that black hole of heartache. And, though I can still feel that longing for him sometimes, the fact that I can feel, well, anything, for somebody else, is somewhat comforting.

Getting over you was easy in the end.

I really want to talk to someone about the men in my life. I wish I'd kept a diary over the last few months as sometimes even I lose track of where my head and heart are at.

The first to come along since the ex, was Muslim. I'm Catholic. I would have loved him eventually. You know when you just know that given time you'd fall. We didn't have the time. That was a whirlwind. Exciting and naughty and dangerous and secret and we really connected. We spoke every day. Most hours to be honest. We still speak most days. I got a really good friend in him. But we'll both always feel that little bit more deep down. Each of us knows it. Everyone who knows the two of us see it too. But he's muslim, I'm Catholic and his family need him to find a Muslim girl to bring into the family. As he told me... he doesn't make the rules, just has to follow them.

I can be his friend. His parents found him a girlfriend soon after. But then there are times like tonight when he says things like how stupid he must be to have missed out on being with me, and tells me how he's spent the last hour looking through pictures of me. But at least I know where I stand with him.

Sort of...

"Obviously we haven't hit the real issue yet"

I love him.

Every time we say goodbye... I die a little

S0mebody tell me what I have to do to get him back. Please. He says theres nothing. Theres always something. Please someone tell me what it is. Please.

Lost

Lying in bed, lights off, eyes open, wide awake. I catch a glimpse of my phone flash, my heart races, he's replied? I grab for the handset, flip up the screen, "battery full". My heart sinks to a part of me i didnt know existed. I miss him. I love him. That lump in my throat is bigger than iv'e ever felt before, my heart aches, my chest tightens. I check the phone again, no message, no call. I flip it back, cast it aside and lay back down. Lying in bed, lights off, eyes open, wide awake...

The Physical Feelings of Heartbreak

You know that feeling, when you're running really hard in the cold, and you breathe in and you feel that burn in your throat and chest. That real, intense pain. But you keep on running anyway and you keep on breathing, of that you have no choice. This pain reaping through you right with each vital breath you take. Thats how my heartache feels.

And then that feeling, i used to get it before i raced, when your heart feels further into your chest than usual, and youre aware of the cavity of your chest and its limited capacity. And it aches as your stomache leaps and ties in knots. Only, before a race this feeling came, energized and subsided. And now, instead of being exciting, it's a constant numbing ache, which is tiresome. So tiresome and unrelenting. You are constantly aware of your beating heart and your emotions. There is no escape.

I guess not.

Well the long and short of it all is, I put myself out there. I sent him an IM asking if we could meet up to talk. Just to finish what was drunkenly started. The gist of the response was no I'm too busy, call me if you like but don't expect us to get our old friendship back because we won't.

So frustrating. I will talk to him because I've started this now. But I really hoped he'd just spare me a little of his time so I could clear the air in person. There's so much room for misinterpretation on IM/phone calls. But now, what I thought I would say to him in person just doesn't seem right in a message. He had time to meet up when I was drunk and coming to his bed didn't he. Ughhhh it's so annoying. After years of guarding my feelings and being careful of not saying too much to people I was finally going to be honest with someone who mattered!

Time for the Truth?

I think it is time for the truth. The truth to you all about how I came to be in this situation and at some point to come I think I need to tell Mr Should what's in my heart. Now of course, it's not the whole truth I'll be telling. Too much honesty never fared anybody well. I can share the facts of my angst here without revealing the truth of who I am, a copout I know. And though in my head I'd have this entire conversation mapped out, what I'd say to him and what he'd reply and all the scripted perfection of idealism i know that in reality I will choke and he will wonder what it was I got him here to tell and why I didnt just send him a text and why I made such a big deal of something seemingly so small.

No, I probably will not tell him how I suspect I have fallen for him again, nor is it likely that I will tell him how scared I am of that fact nor how much I would love him if he only gave me the chance. But a truth of sorts I feel is on the cards. Enough honesty to make him really think, hopefully really remember the emotion possible, maybe even fall for me? But little enough to salvage some sort of friendship after it all if he really is done with me for life. Nightmare!

So maybe tomorrow I'll share with you the conversation which stirred this all. What I can remember of it anyway as sobriety was not on my side when it happened. Surprise Surprise. And maybe tomorrow also I'll send the pre written message asking him to spare a little of his time before I go back to college. What a killer if he doesn't even agree to hear me out. That wouldn't be a total shocker either. Oh dear, this is not a well dreamt up fantasy!!!!

*Massive sigh*

Amy said it best...

"Wake Up Alone"

It's okay in the day I'm staying busy
Tied up enough so I don't have to wonder where is he
Got so sick of crying
So just lately
When I catch myself I do a 180
I stay up clean the house
At least I'm not drinking
Run around just so I don't have to think about thinking
That silent sense of content
That everyone gets
Just disappears soon as the sun sets

This face in my dreams seizes my guts
He floods me with dread
Soaked in soul
He swims in my eyes by the bed
Pour myself over him
Moon spilling in
And I wake up alone

If I was my heart
I'd rather be restless
The second I stop the sleep catches up and I'm breathless
This ache in my chest
As my day is done now
The dark covers me and I cannot run now
My blood running cold
I stand before him
It's all I can do to assure him
When he comes to me
I drip for him tonight
Drowning in me we bathe under blue light

His face in my dreams seizes my guts
He floods me with dread
Soaked in soul
He swims in my eyes by the bed
Pour myself over him
Moon spilling in
And I wake up alone
And I wake up alone
And I wake up alone
And I wake up alone

I don't think I can pretend that I'm not in love with him anymore.

Yesterday was too painful to write. I drove around for hours just thinking. In my debut post I introduced a man in my life, who I thought would be mentioned more than it seems he has. Now, I've admitted to myself there are two men in my life... the one who would be there, and the one who should. So I feel like I should introduce them both.

The "current", or at least latest, boo. I don't think he realises himself that there's anything wrong. I definitely did love him. For 2 and a half years I loved him. But theres the problem. I've started to open myself to the possibility that it is now past tense. I'm not naive and I know sometimes it happens that relationships fade, but I also know it's not that simple this time. If he were all I knew, then I would have found the most amazing person to plan my future with. Somebody who'll love me, who I get on with, who makes me laugh, who enjoys my company and I enjoy his... I could go on and on...

But then there's him. The past. The one I've never forgotten. The one I think about at some point of every day. The one who songs remind me of. The one who could make my heart race if he wanted to. The one who from the moment I knew him made me feel like I was completely whole. The one who a relationship with was bloody difficult. So passionate sparks flew and tempers rose. But the one who made it all worth it without doing a thing.

I want one. I need the other. One wants me. The other can't bring himself to go back.

Agony

I can't breathe. My chest is tight, my breaths are shallow. My heart is absolutely thudding in my chest and it hurts to think. I love my ex. I love him. More than just a case of "first love fever". I don't love the memory of him I love him.

"I'm trying so hard not to think of you that I can't think of anything else."
This is agony.

It's been years. Move on he said. I have. Well, I had. I was over it. I was over him. I was happy with someone else. But now... I love him

You're not so great anyway!

You're not. You're self conscious, you're never your real self in front of people, you blow hot and cold, you swear, you're fashion sense is non existant and to top it off you're balding! so there. I've said it. You're not so great anyway.

I'm not waiting for you to text back. I don't find it hard to breathe when i think about you just for a second. I don't think of you in fact. I'm not checking my phone for a response all the time. And I haven't just checked it again. I'm not staying awake on the off chance you'll want to see me and I'm not hoping that will be the case either.

It's not like you acted like you wanted this. It's not like only 24 hours you gave me reason to expect anything. It's not like this is some game to you. It's not like I care...

...only you are... and I am... and it is!

you've got 10 more minutes then I'm going to sleep. 10 more... or maybe 20... but thats it!

...and these are it's people.

I heard somebody say today, that visiting a friend or relative in hospital really drained them since they had to "put on a happy front" and "pretend that their lives were good". It amazes me when I think about it, that we can all be so bloody ungreatful. Myself included. Can we really be that miserable that in order to appear content to an onlooker we must "put on a front"? When I think about this I know that I too would have felt the same about "pretending" everything was well. But really, everything IS well. Sometimes I wonder if we put so much energy into convincing everybody else that we lead the perfect life that we forget to appreciate the blessings we have. Trying so hard to appear happy could result in us forgetting that actually, life can be pretty good.

So this is the world...

So this is the world hey? Strange place don't you think? I mean, if we'd have been warned about how hard life here would be sometimes I think I would have stayed away. But thats not true. Its the struggle to the summits that make the journey there worthwhile.

Who am I? Who are you, and why do you have the time to read my blog? I can tell you who I am, or who I think I am, but you will make your own mind up as to what you think I am, I'm sure.

I'm young still. I don't want the ever looming responsibilities of adulthood, careers and debts just yet. I have one more day of working life this summer before I go back to Uni for my final year. I wonder who I will be this year, and will I finally manage to be the person I want to be. As of yet I don't really believe that I've won that challenge. Sometimes I really feel like I'm somebody else, other times I just think I'm not quite myself. Ive adopted the aquired motto of Google... "Don't be evil" Simple, but somehow says enough about the way I feel I should approach this life. 10 years to the day since the start of Google. Does anyone even remember how they found things out before the site was around? Do public libraries still have a purpose in society?

Anyway, I have a man in my life. I'd like to say he was special, but I don't know if he is anymore. I'm sure there's more of him to be told but for now... this is me. Girl Perfect x