The Physical Feelings of Heartbreak

You know that feeling, when you're running really hard in the cold, and you breathe in and you feel that burn in your throat and chest. That real, intense pain. But you keep on running anyway and you keep on breathing, of that you have no choice. This pain reaping through you right with each vital breath you take. Thats how my heartache feels.

And then that feeling, i used to get it before i raced, when your heart feels further into your chest than usual, and youre aware of the cavity of your chest and its limited capacity. And it aches as your stomache leaps and ties in knots. Only, before a race this feeling came, energized and subsided. And now, instead of being exciting, it's a constant numbing ache, which is tiresome. So tiresome and unrelenting. You are constantly aware of your beating heart and your emotions. There is no escape.

I guess not.

Well the long and short of it all is, I put myself out there. I sent him an IM asking if we could meet up to talk. Just to finish what was drunkenly started. The gist of the response was no I'm too busy, call me if you like but don't expect us to get our old friendship back because we won't.

So frustrating. I will talk to him because I've started this now. But I really hoped he'd just spare me a little of his time so I could clear the air in person. There's so much room for misinterpretation on IM/phone calls. But now, what I thought I would say to him in person just doesn't seem right in a message. He had time to meet up when I was drunk and coming to his bed didn't he. Ughhhh it's so annoying. After years of guarding my feelings and being careful of not saying too much to people I was finally going to be honest with someone who mattered!

Time for the Truth?

I think it is time for the truth. The truth to you all about how I came to be in this situation and at some point to come I think I need to tell Mr Should what's in my heart. Now of course, it's not the whole truth I'll be telling. Too much honesty never fared anybody well. I can share the facts of my angst here without revealing the truth of who I am, a copout I know. And though in my head I'd have this entire conversation mapped out, what I'd say to him and what he'd reply and all the scripted perfection of idealism i know that in reality I will choke and he will wonder what it was I got him here to tell and why I didnt just send him a text and why I made such a big deal of something seemingly so small.

No, I probably will not tell him how I suspect I have fallen for him again, nor is it likely that I will tell him how scared I am of that fact nor how much I would love him if he only gave me the chance. But a truth of sorts I feel is on the cards. Enough honesty to make him really think, hopefully really remember the emotion possible, maybe even fall for me? But little enough to salvage some sort of friendship after it all if he really is done with me for life. Nightmare!

So maybe tomorrow I'll share with you the conversation which stirred this all. What I can remember of it anyway as sobriety was not on my side when it happened. Surprise Surprise. And maybe tomorrow also I'll send the pre written message asking him to spare a little of his time before I go back to college. What a killer if he doesn't even agree to hear me out. That wouldn't be a total shocker either. Oh dear, this is not a well dreamt up fantasy!!!!

*Massive sigh*

Amy said it best...

"Wake Up Alone"

It's okay in the day I'm staying busy
Tied up enough so I don't have to wonder where is he
Got so sick of crying
So just lately
When I catch myself I do a 180
I stay up clean the house
At least I'm not drinking
Run around just so I don't have to think about thinking
That silent sense of content
That everyone gets
Just disappears soon as the sun sets

This face in my dreams seizes my guts
He floods me with dread
Soaked in soul
He swims in my eyes by the bed
Pour myself over him
Moon spilling in
And I wake up alone

If I was my heart
I'd rather be restless
The second I stop the sleep catches up and I'm breathless
This ache in my chest
As my day is done now
The dark covers me and I cannot run now
My blood running cold
I stand before him
It's all I can do to assure him
When he comes to me
I drip for him tonight
Drowning in me we bathe under blue light

His face in my dreams seizes my guts
He floods me with dread
Soaked in soul
He swims in my eyes by the bed
Pour myself over him
Moon spilling in
And I wake up alone
And I wake up alone
And I wake up alone
And I wake up alone

I don't think I can pretend that I'm not in love with him anymore.

Yesterday was too painful to write. I drove around for hours just thinking. In my debut post I introduced a man in my life, who I thought would be mentioned more than it seems he has. Now, I've admitted to myself there are two men in my life... the one who would be there, and the one who should. So I feel like I should introduce them both.

The "current", or at least latest, boo. I don't think he realises himself that there's anything wrong. I definitely did love him. For 2 and a half years I loved him. But theres the problem. I've started to open myself to the possibility that it is now past tense. I'm not naive and I know sometimes it happens that relationships fade, but I also know it's not that simple this time. If he were all I knew, then I would have found the most amazing person to plan my future with. Somebody who'll love me, who I get on with, who makes me laugh, who enjoys my company and I enjoy his... I could go on and on...

But then there's him. The past. The one I've never forgotten. The one I think about at some point of every day. The one who songs remind me of. The one who could make my heart race if he wanted to. The one who from the moment I knew him made me feel like I was completely whole. The one who a relationship with was bloody difficult. So passionate sparks flew and tempers rose. But the one who made it all worth it without doing a thing.

I want one. I need the other. One wants me. The other can't bring himself to go back.

Agony

I can't breathe. My chest is tight, my breaths are shallow. My heart is absolutely thudding in my chest and it hurts to think. I love my ex. I love him. More than just a case of "first love fever". I don't love the memory of him I love him.

"I'm trying so hard not to think of you that I can't think of anything else."
This is agony.

It's been years. Move on he said. I have. Well, I had. I was over it. I was over him. I was happy with someone else. But now... I love him

You're not so great anyway!

You're not. You're self conscious, you're never your real self in front of people, you blow hot and cold, you swear, you're fashion sense is non existant and to top it off you're balding! so there. I've said it. You're not so great anyway.

I'm not waiting for you to text back. I don't find it hard to breathe when i think about you just for a second. I don't think of you in fact. I'm not checking my phone for a response all the time. And I haven't just checked it again. I'm not staying awake on the off chance you'll want to see me and I'm not hoping that will be the case either.

It's not like you acted like you wanted this. It's not like only 24 hours you gave me reason to expect anything. It's not like this is some game to you. It's not like I care...

...only you are... and I am... and it is!

you've got 10 more minutes then I'm going to sleep. 10 more... or maybe 20... but thats it!